Being there for your kids

Cognitive Reframe: Turning Something Bad into Something Good

You know what? Stuff happens. The question is, what do you do with that stuff? When something bad happens, turn it into something good. The tool for that magic is cognitive reframe. When things aren't working well for your child, that's indication that he has an emotional fever. What to do to help? Use your active listening. When their fever is down, they will be better able to tackle their problem. Offer help if you can, but only with their permission and after their emotional fever subsides. That's when they will be able to listen well. When they succeed in overcoming their problem, heap praises on them for sticking to it and getting through it. Use cognitive reframing to provide them with a teachable moment. See what you can do when you stick your mind to it?

Confronting---The Hard Part of Parenting

No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" When you confront, prepare for blowback. Use active listening to lower your child's fuss level and then return to the confrontation. Be sure to praise your child when she follows through with your direction. Effective confrontation can nurture love and respect, while also providing a teachable moment.

Turning Have To's to Want To's

I can't think of any child who dives into chores gleefully. Yet, we all have to do things that we don't want to do. For children, that's magnified because, by definition, children will always test the limits. Using communication strategies identified in my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, you can help your child turn those onerous have-to's into want-to's.

When Bribery Doesn't Work

Many parents outright bribe their kids to "be good." Kids will take the bribe but not necessarily follow through with being good. They are not invested in the process. Effective behavior management tools include using The Good Kid Chart. Here, your child invests in the process, as you define what they are working on and they give you reasonable requests for daily and weekly reward for their efforts. It's a win-win system that both provides your child with a teachable moment and also helps them grow "in the ways of the Lord." You maintain parental authority. They engage in positive character development.

Parents Go Through Stages Too!

Just as our children reach certain developmental stages as they grow older, so too do us parents, depending on your child's stage of development. When they are totally helpless, we do for them, Hands-On Parenting. When we are helping them learn boundaries and relationships, we enter the Directive Stage of parenting. After they have developed the capacity for abstract thinking, but don't quite "know it all," we offer Advice-Based Parenting. Finally, as they reach adulthood and are in charge of their own lives, we offer Consultative Parenting. It's critical that your stage matches the developmental stage of your child. Yes, we parents go through stages of parenting if we are to be effective in raising our children.

Finding Teachable Moments

When your children are upset, address their feelings with active listening to lower their emotional fever. When they are calmer, look for a teachable moment in their concern. Finding teachable moments in everyday time together both increases the emotional intimacy in your family and also helps turn events from surviving to thriving.

Raising Kids--What to do when there's too much to do.

Raising your kids is the toughest job for which most parents are not prepared to do. Balancing the endless demands of childhood with the rest of your live is quite a challenge. Learning to delegate to your "village" and finding "me-time" in the mayhem, gives you the balance to take care of yourself and your kids. In Matthew 22:29, Jesus calls the second greatest commandment to "love one another as you love yourself." Taking care of your needs, through delegating and me-time, creates quality parenting for your kids.

Not too hard, not too soft, but connected, just right parenting

Do we want power or relationship with our kids? When you come off as dominant, my way or the highway, you parent by fear, not by relationship. When you are too submissive and buddy buddy, you do so much for your child that they never learn how to do for themselves. As a benevolent despot, you have the earned authority of relationship, without having to use raw power, you direct the family according to everyone's needs and feelings, and you teach your children how to do for themselves.

Family Meetings -- Planning at its Best

Family meetings can be a great way to get everyone involved, and invested in, planning things the family does together. It could be the mundane, like dividing up a chore list, or the exciting, like planning a family vacation. As parents use active listening, productive confronting, and a big dose of pride and encouragement, everybody contributes and each comes away with something that works for them.

As parents, our words are important

Children notice not only what we say but also how we say it. Verbal and nonverbal go together. When they need confrontation, challenge the behavior, not the child. When they need active listening and empathy, avoid the common errors of judging, criticizing, and offering solutions. Help your child become responsible for their words and actions and help them find solutions that are workable and that work for them.