Being there for your kids

Four Ways for Us & Our Kids to Love Themselves

         In Matthew 22:39, Jesus gives us what I call "The Codependent's Commandment." He tells us to love one another as we love ourselves. We can't love one another well until and unless we love ourselves. As parents charged with raising our kids, we need to both show them how to, and model for them, loving themselves. Four specific habits help the process along. First, eat and sleep well and make time for fun. Second, develop a confidante friend with whom you can share your feelings. Third, keep a personal journal for reflection and self encouragement. Finally, make time for individual and family prayer and devotion. Developing these four habits, and teaching them to your children, will help your children love themselves.

Overloaded and Overstressed

Are you overloaded and overstressed? Do you have too much to do and not enough time or resources to get it all done? It doesn't have to be this way. First, get a dry-erase calendar and put it up in the kitchen or other common area in your home, for all to see and use. Second, use a weekly family meeting to reflect on what happened and plan for the next week's events. Third, and most importantly, you can't delegate enough. Sharing the load is halving the work. Being all things to all people is an impossibility. Everybody loses. Create group-think in your family and everybody wins. Don't be overloaded and overstressed.

Enriching Your Child with Teachable Moments

What is a teachable moment, other than a great title for my parenting book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. Teachable moments are the heart of effective parenting. They are the pathway for your raising your child to become a caring, helpful, responsible, independent adult. They happen in good times and in bad, if you are looking for them. It's when your child "gets it." His face softens, eyes light up, and magical insight occurs. It's when you feel closest to your child. It's especially powerful when you are able to build a teachable moment out of a crisis or problem your child faces. Teachable moments build character, empathy, creativity, problem-solving, emotional intimacy, and healthy relationships. Finding teachable moments with your child is you being the best parent you can be.

What You Focus On Grows

If what you focus on grows, then it makes sense to focus on the positive. Our kids, and actually all of us, seek attention. The thing about attention is that it has an absolute quality. That is, negative attention fills the bill just as much as positive attention. The problem is that it is lots easier to get negative attention. So, the the extent possible, focus on the positive. Also, if there are good and bad parts to us, they balance out to 100 parts. That means, if your child has 63 good parts about him, he then has 37 bad parts. The proportion always adds up to 100. So, if you focus on the good parts, remember that what you pay attention to grows, the good parts go up and the bad parts go down. Even when correcting your child, help him think about how he could have done things better, rather than blaming or shaming for what he did wrong. What you focus on grows into a teachable moment.

How Much Trouble Do You Want to Buy?

If you are looking for a trouble-free home, forget about it. All kinds of trouble, big and small, kid and parent, will visit your family at some time or another. You have no control over whether trouble comes. You have every control over what you do with it. The longer you wait, stall, rationalize, or stew over the trouble, the more of it you are going to eventually buy. The best option is to address troubles as soon as you are aware of them. Confront the situation with the offender, and then use your active listening to understand the feelings and context. Set the boundary, in terms of your expectations, and then talk together about how the offense can be avoided in the future. Set rules through family meetings and post them for all to see. Act as soon as trouble occurs and you will be buying very little of it.

Hormones Will Wreak Havoc

When your daughter is getting ready to start her menstrual period, it can set a whole house spinning. Most teen girls see their period as a bother, not as a blessing. How you prepare her for her first period, and help her adjust to her monthly schedule can make all the difference in the world. Use your active listening to help her get all of her feelings out. When you see the emotional fever go down, let her know, "You know, sweetheart, I have some thoughts about how you can make do here. Can I share them with you?" Asking permission always helps open the door. It also invests your daughter in your ideas working. For a few months, help her get a rhythm that works for her, and involve her in activity and dietary options that can minimize her discomfort during her periods. Cut her some slack in mood and attitude, as long as she remains respectful. Hormones can wreak havoc in a home, but with planning and patience, you can weather this storm as well.

Restrictions That Work

All parents use restricting your child's privileges, access, or time as a consequence for unacceptable words or actions. But there are two kinds of restriction models. The correctional model is like our country's prison system. While it may work as punishment, it is clearly power-based. I've introduced a relational model of restriction. In this model, your child is actively involved in just how long his restriction lasts. As he "gets it." you can lower the number of days he is on restriction. In this way, he is motivated to change his negative behavior. As you monitor his process, you can reward him along the way for making effort to change. The whole process brings the two of you closer together and creates teachable moments.

Angst & Attitude ---Welcome to the Teen Years

Angst is the sum of every bad feeling you can imagine. Attitude is, well, we parents all know attitude when we see it. Kids in general and teens in particular really don't want to share their feelings. When have you heard your teen say, "Hey, Dad. Can I share my feelings with you?" If you have, good for you. It's rare. Usually we see the attitude first. Actually, attitude is your teen reaching out to you. If you come back with power, attitude yourself, judgment, or even good solutions, you missed the mark. These responses may leave your teen feeling they are a burden to you. Use your active listening, as attitude is a hallmark of an emotional fever. Draw him out with a comment and question like, "Gosh, Son. This isn't  like you. What else is going on?" If you get a shut-down response, turn this essay question into a multiple choice question. You know your teen well enough that you will probably hit the mark. Best option for parents of teens?  Hang in there.

When Parenting, Choose Quality Time

Most of us want to parent either just like mom and dad, or just opposite mom and dad. However, conventional wisdom shows us that we are drawn to the familiar, even if that familiar is unhealthy. We need to make a conscious choice to practice what is healthy but unfamiliar to us long enough for it to become familiar. When quality time with your child comes around, choose to be there for and with your child. Your quality time together is a great source for teachable moments.

Transitions Can Be Tough

If your child is going to have difficulty during the day, chances are it will happen during a transition time. Even with expected transitions, like changing classes, things are different. We have to adapt on the fly. Mostly it's easy, but sometimes not. To curtail potential difficulty engage in pre-planning with your child. Help him expect possible negative outcomes. Streamline the transition process so he has less to think about. Transitions can be tough, but with active listening and joint problem-solving, you can help ease transitions.