Being there for your kids

Getting through to your Child

Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.

Heart or Head? Let it Come from your Heart

Active listening is your go-to communication tool when your child is having difficulty. You are sharing with her what you hear her feeling. That comes from your heart. If you try to fix her problem, judge or criticize her, or guilt her into behaving, you will be correcting her, but it comes from your head. Will she really learn anything, other than to do what she is told? If you share what you hear her feeling, she feels heard, valued, and perhaps able to try again. When her emotional fever subsides, ask her permission to help her. If what you share is not what she is feeling, your words still spur her on to identify what she is feeling. With active listening, you are right when you are right and your are right when you are wrong. Let your parenting come from your heart.

Win-Win Parenting

When parents choose to come from their head, they run the risk of getting all power-oriented with their child. This can lead to distance, dejection, and dismissal. Trying to figure out your child's feelings in the moment is the way to come from your heart. And, it's a win-win situation. If you say what you think she is feeling, she feels affirmed, her emotional fever goes down, and she becomes re-energized to move past her upset. If you miss the mark in what you think she is feeling, she will correct you. this gives her an opportunity to figure out what that is. With active listening, you are right when you are right and you are right when you are wrong. That's win-win parenting.

Are You Grateful? Do You Affirm?

As parents, we correct, teach, encourage our children to do things right and the right way. That comes with the job of good parenting. However, can you be grateful and affirm as well? Your child will be uniquely himself. He may do or say things differently than you. That's okay. It gives him a chance to explore his creativity and explore who he is. Would you really want a mini-me? As you interact with your child, take time to express your gratitude and affirmation of who he is becoming. It's a teachable moment and he will glow from your words.

Just Ask!

When you want something, do you just take it? Or do you ask? Most folks will ask, out of respect for the giver. You know what? Our kids deserve the same respect we would naturally give an adult. When your child has shown an emotional fever, and you have used active listening to calm her down, now's the time to offer suggestions and help. The key is to ask her permission, regardless of her age. "You know, sweetheart, you've had such a rough go of it. I have some thoughts about what's going on and how to handle it. Do you want to hear them?" Just plowing on risks your relationship with your child. They may feel judged, inadequate, not smart enough to figure it out. By asking permission to speak, you are conveying respect, and your words matter more. If she says "no," don't continue anyway. Simply let her know that you will wait until she is ready for your comments. Just ask!

Too Hard? Too soft? Just Right.

You parenting style determines how your child will turn out. Too hard? He becomes timid to you, but passive-aggressive, possibly a bully or juvenile delinquent. Too soft? He becomes anxious and fearful because he really does not want to be in charge. Self-serving and entitled are his trademarks. Just right? He gets it. Life is cooperation and compromise. He becomes an independent, responsible, community-minded adult. Get your child on the right path. Be a just right parent.

Be On The Same Page with your Child

You want a relationship with your child. Then communicate. You can't, don't, don't want to communicate? An old saying is that children should be seen but not heard. Good luck with that. Without communication, all you are left with is your power. Power does not make for a good relationship. Active listening and emotional intimacy make for good relationships. In all families, communication is relationship. In healthy families, that communication focuses on emotional intimacy, not on power. With emotional intimacy, you can use your earned authority to execute effective, and appropriate power. Communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with your child. Be congruent with what you say and do. Use active listening to "get" your child. Be on the same page with your child.

Practice Makes Perfect

After breaking up the bedlam between your children, how do you sort it out? Who started it? How did each contribute? Who gets consequences? What ever you do, don't start with these questions. After separating the combatants, use your active listening to lower emotional fevers, ask permission to make suggestions, and by all means include each in the problem-solving process. The basic question is, "What can each of you do to avoid these bad things with each other in the future?" Family history will plan a part, and you won't get it right the first time, or the tenth time :( However, make sure your kids know you are trying and that getting along is the goal. With time, practice will make prefect.

More of the Same? Try Something Else.

Okay. You've learned about active listening when your child is upset. You've got the "you feel" down pat. Even though you are on target, a repetitive "you feel" statement fro you could well annoy your child or, worse, be tuned out with a dismissive "whatever!" The key to helpful active listening is not only reflecting back to your child what you believe she is feeling. It is also tuning in nonverbally, perhaps a hug?, as well as verbally, with feelings. Most importantly, be creative and dare to be different with your words and presentation. "It sounds like you're..." "I'm not sure I'm hearing you right. Is it...?", "Wow! You're really..." Such variations tells your child that you are really trying to capture what's going on with her and not just trying to score points with "you feel..." When you notice her emotional fever going down, then you can switch to problem-solving with her permission. "I've got some thoughts about how you can handle this. Do you want to hear them?"  Now you are connecting with her in her emotional pain and helping her move past it without owning it yourself. Dare to be different.

Don't Forget to Flip It

As parents, it is part of our job to direct our kids and, as needed, to confront them. Neither of these go well with yelling and frustration. If you power up, so will your child. A way to avoid such power struggle is to use active listening after directing or confronting. If your child stalls or refuses your direction, assume that there is a reason. Using active listening will help you understand where her bluster came from. The bluster is actually evidence of an emotional fever, because it's not usually like her. Active listening is your go-to when you see her emotional fever. Once her fever is calmed, you can go back to your direction or confrontation, but without the power struggle