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We are all born with the IALAC sign. How it evolves over time depends on our life experiences and how we handle them. Your gift to your child is to use active listening and teachable moments to nurture them through difficulties, so that they maintain the IALAC sign they were born with.

Most of the time you and your child get each other. But, when you don't get each other, there's a disconnect. Disconnects usually occur when your verbal and nonverbal behavior don't match up. When your child has an emotional fever, active listen. Verbal, use feeling words. Nonverbal, look at him, get down on his level, lean in, all nonverbal behaviors that tell him you are listening and that he is the most important thing to you in the world at that moment. When your child's verbal and nonverbal don't match up, observe and confess. "Son, you are telling me to go away, but you are crying. I'm confused. I just want to help." If he runs into your arms, you got your answer. If he yells, "I said go away," then leave, for the moment. Follow with, "when you want to talk about it, I want to listen." Both you and your child say things with your actions as well as with your words. How you say something is just as important as what you say.

In this age of internet and social media, it's easy for the tail to wag the dog. That is, if you don't have family rules for use of the internet and social media in your home, it could easily get away from you. Mental health professionals are now treating internet and social media addiction. To circumvent such difficulties, start with a family meeting. Kids get an equal say in voicing their feelings and opinions. List the where's and how's that personal electronics are on in your home, and then talk about the impact of these devices on your family time and functioning. Come to agreement on how they can be used without interfering with personal and family function. This podcast concludes with examples of three frequent rules for electronics use in your home.

As parents, we all have lots going on. When our child has a problem, it's always easier to just solve the problem for him. After all, we are bigger, smarter, more experienced in the world. Just solve it, right? If expedience is your goal, then sure. But do you want expedience with your child? Or, do you want relationship and teachable moments. When Joey shows words and actions that he has an emotional fever, use your active listening to calm his feelings. Then, tell him, "You know, Joey, I have some thoughts about what you are going through. Do you want to hear them?"  If Joey declines your offer of help, don't force your solution. Let him choose. If he wants your help, help him think through all the options, evaluate them, and plan a solution. This is relationship-oriented, healthy, creative problem-solving, and a great teachable moment.

Unless your child is the one in a million who dives into homework each night with great joy and abandon, you experience the homework wars in your family. You know, they don't have to be awful. While you might active listen your child's reluctance to get started on their homework, doing it is not an option. They may have some say in how they do it, but getting it done each night is the goal. Think about how you can include your child in this problem-solving process, so that there are no casualties from your homework wars.

Isn't it great when things are going great? No fuss, no muss. Everybody's getting along. Things are getting done. There's a delightful playfulness in the air. Uh oh. What's wrong? Well, how about nothing? You are enjoying the fruits of your parental labor. Your relationships in your family are humming along. Remember, communication is relationship. How to be when things are going great? Be in the moment, Be mindful. Use the time with your family to instruct, to direct, to check in, and to find teachable moments. These things drive healthy parenting and family relationships.

Stress comes in two forms, the bad struff, distress, and the good stuff, eustress. Each form, however, can generate symptoms that take you off task. Who wants to work with sleeplessness, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal upset? While we can't avoid stress altogether, we can do something about both our mindset and our symptoms. Turn your what ifs into I wonders, and adding a positive outcome to your I wonder, changes your mindset from worrying to being curious. Eating right, making time for sleep and physical workout addresses some of the symptoms of stress. Don't let stress shut down your progress. These kinds of stress management strategies keep you on track for creating and using teachable moments.

     At this holiday time of the year, what greater gift for your child than to really listen to her. Not just hear her words, but interact with your whole body, mind, and soul. That's the power of active listening. You are all there, all in. When your child knows she has your undivided attention, she feels free to really express herself and to let her into her world of needs, behaviors, and feelings. Give your children the gift of really listening, and spending time with them, this holiday season and every day of the hear. Happy Holidays!

       Parents often parent according to what they have been used to, when they were kids in their growing up homes. That can be bad, or good. Most parents want to be just like their parents were with them when they were kids. Some parents want to be just opposite of the kind of parents they grew up with. When you focus only on acquired parenting, you are taking the job of parenting and ruling with an iron hand. My way of the highway. No relationship there, except one based on fear. When you focus on earned parenting, you make decisions based on the needs, feelings, and best interests of all involved. With earned parenting, you are choosing relationship over power. What you say still goes, but with sensitivity to all involved. Earn your authority over your kids by promoting healthy relationships.

All children are defiant at times. It's their way of exploring their environment and developing their identity. How we respond to their defiance will set the tone of what kind of person your child will become. If you focus on their defiance and your upset, you are power-oriented. You miss a critical teachable moment. If you are relationship-oriented, you will draw closer together, as well as maintain your authority. After settling down with active listening, draw your child out with this critical question, "Honey, this isn't like you. What else is going on here?" If they don't respond to this essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to figure out several possibilities of what might be going on. Once the air is cleared return to discussion about a reasonable consequence for their defiant behavior.

In healthy families, people talk to each other...a lot. Such talk, however, consists of both verbal and nonverbal communication. If the two are out of sync, then you have double-speak. Then, your child says, or does, "Wait...whaaat??" Double speak also can get parents in trouble. The world's worst parenting model is, "Do what I say, not what I do." That's trouble waiting to happen. Make sure both your verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Point out when you see your child's speak out of sync with something like, "Your words don't match your actions. What else is going on here?" Be prepared to active listen to help him reduce the emotional fever that is throwing him out of sync.

There are all kinds of parents. What kind are you? Are you a dictator? Overbearing? Pushover? Whatever? Or are you an absent parent? All of these types of parents diminish the relationship, even though they may be well-intended. When you make an effort to balance your needs, wants and feelings with those of your children, you are offering a meaningful relationship to them.

Worrying is good in terms of figuring out your options and planning ahead. But worrying too much can be debilitating. It can get your stressed out, anxious, and withdrawn from life. To knock out 80% of your worry, the destructive kind, focus on what you can do to make a situation better, which is constructive worry. Then, turn your what if thoughts into I wonder thoughts. Focus on a positive outcome and then make it happen.

      Transitions are always hard. The one from teen to adult is probably the hardest, for both parent and teen. You want it all to go well, but you can't do it for your teen. Their stress in leaving is enormous, whether they want to go or not. You can help them most by active listening, asking their permission to comment after they have calmed down, offering suggestions, but letting them make their own choices. Be there for them emotionally and let them fly.

       No, it's not a maybe, surely not a hope-they-won't. Teenage rebellion is a developmental imperative. In your child's young life, he goes from parents being the best thing since sliced bread, up to age 10. From ages 10-12, the jury's out. In adolescence, children forge their own direction, on their own, but with your help. Their rebellion is the source of their individual identity. It's what makes them different from you and who they are. So, help them with guidance and supervision, but let them be who they are becoming. Catch them when they fall, and give them as much freedom as they demonstrate responsibilty. Your reward is their becoming an independent, responsible, socially conscious young adult.