Being there for your kids

Lying Can Double the Trouble

"Okay! Who made this mess?"  Your question is met with a chorus of "not me's" When and how do you get to the truth? First, how important is the mess? If it directly affects you in the moment, then it needs to be straightened first. Deal with the lying later. Whatever the timing, when confronting the Not Me-er, make sure you child understands his choices. If he messed up and owns it, you have a teachable moment. You active listen his upset, ask permission to offer counsel, and help him with corrective steps. He may also get a consequence for his actions. If he messes up and lies about it by saying "I didn't do that," confirm the infraction independently, and then give two consequences, one for the mess up an one for lying about it. Lying can double the trouble.

Part of Being a Family

Everybody who says, "yaay. We get to do household chores today," raise your hand. I didn't think so. And yet, all families have chores to do. The saying "more hands, less work" is true. Also, we parents need to get our kids involved to help teach them order, cleanliness, organization, and accountability. Help younger children until they get the hang of it. Assign older children according to their abilities and age. Active listen the griping, but persist. It's one of those "you'll thank me later" moments where you are preparing your child to be an adult, in a meaningful relationship, and passing blessings on to their children. Doing chores are both part of being a family and chock full of teachable moments.

Worry Much?

Worrying is unavoidable. Productively, it helps us prepare for upcoming events. Worry also comes in two forms, constructive worry and destructive worry. It's about a 20/80 split. Wow! Almost 80% of our worry time is destructive. That's the stuff over which we have no control. Thermonuclear war? Girlfriend liking somebody else? Teacher's mood? Not much we can do about these and other things. When your worry is destructive, give it up. Deep breaths, prayer, distractions. Vocab test tomorrow? Getting everything on your to do list done? Staying in shape? These are matters of constructive worry. Think about each and decide what you can actively do to ease your worry and generate confidence, commitment, and completion. If you worry too much, you are probably putting your worry time on destructive worry. Determine what you have control over and use constructive worry to take care of it.

You matter too!

Being a parent is always a 24-7-365 opportunity. But, it's impossible for you to be there for your child, in a high quality way, if you are not there for yourself. Taking time to understand your wants and needs and to nurture your own feelings puts you on top of your game when you are there for your kids. In the Bible, Matthew 22:39, Jesus taught that the only two rules we have to follow are to "love your God completely, and love yourself as you love others." Loving yourself means making time for you. Quiet time. Devotional time. Alone time. Schedule these times when child care is minimal, such as before the kids get up or after they go to bed. Schedule these times also when the cavalry is available and you can be "off duty." Not only are you re-energizing for the long parenting haul, but you are also modeling for your kids their abilities to understand their needs and feelings and to take care of themselves. That's a profound teachable moment.

The Age of Cybertechnology

It's true! We live in the age of cybertechnology. Now, that's not a bad thing, and we have all kinds of benefits from having the world at our fingertips. However, when electronics come into our homes, as parents, we need to identify and enforce rules for their usage. In addition to prohibition apps to keep your child off certain sites, you can also install a timer that shuts down their gaming for the day after a certain time. Also, safeguard electronics-free zones (the dinner table?) and balance computer play with outdoor, fresh air play. With these and other rules that come from a family meeting, you can enjoy our age of cybertechnology, as well as healthy family fun and teachable moments.

What's Natural About Punishment?

As parents, we often feel it is our responsibility and obligation to punish our children when they mess up. So, it feels natural to us to yell, admonish, and threaten our kids, and then to spank, give work, or time out as a corrective measure. But, tell me this. What's natural about punishment?  My answer? Nothing is natural about punishment. It merely diminishes your child, only enhances your power, creates distance in your relationship with him, and leaves no room for teachable moments. Instead of punishment when called for, consider natural consequences to your child's behavior. Stealing? Have her return the item with apology. Yelling and hitting siblings? Have him do her chores as well as his for a time week. Being disrespectful? Have her look up key positive words in the dictionary and write a one-page description and example. Natural consequences yield positive outcomes to child misbehavior and create teachable moments.

Catch Teachable Moments When They Come Your Way

So, so, so much to do these days. Where does the time go? How can we fit it all in? We live in an accelerated world and our kids can get caught up in it too. Times to connect meaningfully with your child might not only be a weekend camping trip. It might just only be a five-minute car ride. You're already tuned in to possible emotional fever, where you use active listening to calm your child down. Also be tuned in to teachable moments, where you have your child's ear and you can impart your wisdom. Make the most of opportunities to connect with your child, in both large and small ways.

What Type of Parent Are You?

Parents come in all shapes and sizes...and types. Some parents are blustery power mongers. They expect to be obeyed without question. They holler both direction and consequence. Don't be a blustery power monger. Your kids will be eager to leave home and start their adult life. Some parents are doormats. "What? Sure, honey. Anything you want....Anything else?" They don't want their child to mess up, be hurt, fail, or any other character-building experiences. Being a servant parent sounds like being a doormat, but it's not. As servant to your child, you are eager to understand their needs and feelings, wise to distinguish what's best for them, and always there to catch them when they fall, turning obstacles to opportunities. What type of parent are you?

Effective Parenting is Both Listening & Confronting

For us involved parents, listening is the good stuff. We usually are on target. We get affirmation from our kids when the light goes on in their head. Listening sets the stage for getting permission to help them out. It's the confronting that "good guy" parents don't like doing. And yet, the two are linked, if you want to be an effective parent. If you only listen when things are going great with your child, or even when they have an emotional fever and you are helping them out, you run the risk of being a permissive parent. Permissive parents are high on self-esteem, but low on responsibility. Without confronting, when the situation calls for it, your kids can get a sense of entitlement, where they feel like they can do anything they want and with no consequences. Effective parenting is both listening and confronting.

Is that my Teen?

Do we as parents embrace our teen's adolescent years? Do we control them? Do we tolerate them? None of the above. When your child enters her teenage years, the best you can do is endure them. Moods? Attitude? Disrespect? Challenges? All of the above. A German psychologist talked about the "sturm ung drang" of adolescence, the "storm and stress." If you use heavy-handed parenting, your teen will either comply or rebel further, both responses at the expense of healthy relationship. Instead, appeal to their better side with observation. "Wow! This isn't like you, Ben. What else is going on here?" If Ben doesn't answer the essay question, make it multiple choice. You know your teen well enough that you'll likely hit on something bugging him. Then follow with active listening to help lower his emotional fever. Yep. That is your teen. Endure the journey.