Being there for your kids

You matter too!

Being a parent is always a 24-7-365 opportunity. But, it's impossible for you to be there for your child, in a high quality way, if you are not there for yourself. Taking time to understand your wants and needs and to nurture your own feelings puts you on top of your game when you are there for your kids. In the Bible, Matthew 22:39, Jesus taught that the only two rules we have to follow are to "love your God completely, and love yourself as you love others." Loving yourself means making time for you. Quiet time. Devotional time. Alone time. Schedule these times when child care is minimal, such as before the kids get up or after they go to bed. Schedule these times also when the cavalry is available and you can be "off duty." Not only are you re-energizing for the long parenting haul, but you are also modeling for your kids their abilities to understand their needs and feelings and to take care of themselves. That's a profound teachable moment.

The Age of Cybertechnology

It's true! We live in the age of cybertechnology. Now, that's not a bad thing, and we have all kinds of benefits from having the world at our fingertips. However, when electronics come into our homes, as parents, we need to identify and enforce rules for their usage. In addition to prohibition apps to keep your child off certain sites, you can also install a timer that shuts down their gaming for the day after a certain time. Also, safeguard electronics-free zones (the dinner table?) and balance computer play with outdoor, fresh air play. With these and other rules that come from a family meeting, you can enjoy our age of cybertechnology, as well as healthy family fun and teachable moments.

What's Natural About Punishment?

As parents, we often feel it is our responsibility and obligation to punish our children when they mess up. So, it feels natural to us to yell, admonish, and threaten our kids, and then to spank, give work, or time out as a corrective measure. But, tell me this. What's natural about punishment?  My answer? Nothing is natural about punishment. It merely diminishes your child, only enhances your power, creates distance in your relationship with him, and leaves no room for teachable moments. Instead of punishment when called for, consider natural consequences to your child's behavior. Stealing? Have her return the item with apology. Yelling and hitting siblings? Have him do her chores as well as his for a time week. Being disrespectful? Have her look up key positive words in the dictionary and write a one-page description and example. Natural consequences yield positive outcomes to child misbehavior and create teachable moments.

Catch Teachable Moments When They Come Your Way

So, so, so much to do these days. Where does the time go? How can we fit it all in? We live in an accelerated world and our kids can get caught up in it too. Times to connect meaningfully with your child might not only be a weekend camping trip. It might just only be a five-minute car ride. You're already tuned in to possible emotional fever, where you use active listening to calm your child down. Also be tuned in to teachable moments, where you have your child's ear and you can impart your wisdom. Make the most of opportunities to connect with your child, in both large and small ways.

What Type of Parent Are You?

Parents come in all shapes and sizes...and types. Some parents are blustery power mongers. They expect to be obeyed without question. They holler both direction and consequence. Don't be a blustery power monger. Your kids will be eager to leave home and start their adult life. Some parents are doormats. "What? Sure, honey. Anything you want....Anything else?" They don't want their child to mess up, be hurt, fail, or any other character-building experiences. Being a servant parent sounds like being a doormat, but it's not. As servant to your child, you are eager to understand their needs and feelings, wise to distinguish what's best for them, and always there to catch them when they fall, turning obstacles to opportunities. What type of parent are you?

Effective Parenting is Both Listening & Confronting

For us involved parents, listening is the good stuff. We usually are on target. We get affirmation from our kids when the light goes on in their head. Listening sets the stage for getting permission to help them out. It's the confronting that "good guy" parents don't like doing. And yet, the two are linked, if you want to be an effective parent. If you only listen when things are going great with your child, or even when they have an emotional fever and you are helping them out, you run the risk of being a permissive parent. Permissive parents are high on self-esteem, but low on responsibility. Without confronting, when the situation calls for it, your kids can get a sense of entitlement, where they feel like they can do anything they want and with no consequences. Effective parenting is both listening and confronting.

Is that my Teen?

Do we as parents embrace our teen's adolescent years? Do we control them? Do we tolerate them? None of the above. When your child enters her teenage years, the best you can do is endure them. Moods? Attitude? Disrespect? Challenges? All of the above. A German psychologist talked about the "sturm ung drang" of adolescence, the "storm and stress." If you use heavy-handed parenting, your teen will either comply or rebel further, both responses at the expense of healthy relationship. Instead, appeal to their better side with observation. "Wow! This isn't like you, Ben. What else is going on here?" If Ben doesn't answer the essay question, make it multiple choice. You know your teen well enough that you'll likely hit on something bugging him. Then follow with active listening to help lower his emotional fever. Yep. That is your teen. Endure the journey.

Power Dude, Doormat, or Servant?

Parents come in all types. Some of us are power dudes. My way or the highway. You get results, but our of fear, not relationship. Other parents treat their children like cut crystal. Don't set boundaries or challenge them, or they will break into tiny pieces. Such a doormat parent yields entitled children who grow up not being able to do for themselves. Servant parents seek to understand their child's needs and feelings with active listening and, with permission, helps them grow in the ways of the Lord. Servant parents encourage individuality, but with respect for others, and community, to help build healthy relationships. If you have the choice of being the power dude, doormat, or servant, choose servant.

Getting through to your Child

Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.

Heart or Head? Let it Come from your Heart

Active listening is your go-to communication tool when your child is having difficulty. You are sharing with her what you hear her feeling. That comes from your heart. If you try to fix her problem, judge or criticize her, or guilt her into behaving, you will be correcting her, but it comes from your head. Will she really learn anything, other than to do what she is told? If you share what you hear her feeling, she feels heard, valued, and perhaps able to try again. When her emotional fever subsides, ask her permission to help her. If what you share is not what she is feeling, your words still spur her on to identify what she is feeling. With active listening, you are right when you are right and your are right when you are wrong. Let your parenting come from your heart.