Being there for your kids

Catch Teachable Moments When They Come Your Way

So, so, so much to do these days. Where does the time go? How can we fit it all in? We live in an accelerated world and our kids can get caught up in it too. Times to connect meaningfully with your child might not only be a weekend camping trip. It might just only be a five-minute car ride. You're already tuned in to possible emotional fever, where you use active listening to calm your child down. Also be tuned in to teachable moments, where you have your child's ear and you can impart your wisdom. Make the most of opportunities to connect with your child, in both large and small ways.

What Type of Parent Are You?

Parents come in all shapes and sizes...and types. Some parents are blustery power mongers. They expect to be obeyed without question. They holler both direction and consequence. Don't be a blustery power monger. Your kids will be eager to leave home and start their adult life. Some parents are doormats. "What? Sure, honey. Anything you want....Anything else?" They don't want their child to mess up, be hurt, fail, or any other character-building experiences. Being a servant parent sounds like being a doormat, but it's not. As servant to your child, you are eager to understand their needs and feelings, wise to distinguish what's best for them, and always there to catch them when they fall, turning obstacles to opportunities. What type of parent are you?

Effective Parenting is Both Listening & Confronting

For us involved parents, listening is the good stuff. We usually are on target. We get affirmation from our kids when the light goes on in their head. Listening sets the stage for getting permission to help them out. It's the confronting that "good guy" parents don't like doing. And yet, the two are linked, if you want to be an effective parent. If you only listen when things are going great with your child, or even when they have an emotional fever and you are helping them out, you run the risk of being a permissive parent. Permissive parents are high on self-esteem, but low on responsibility. Without confronting, when the situation calls for it, your kids can get a sense of entitlement, where they feel like they can do anything they want and with no consequences. Effective parenting is both listening and confronting.

Is that my Teen?

Do we as parents embrace our teen's adolescent years? Do we control them? Do we tolerate them? None of the above. When your child enters her teenage years, the best you can do is endure them. Moods? Attitude? Disrespect? Challenges? All of the above. A German psychologist talked about the "sturm ung drang" of adolescence, the "storm and stress." If you use heavy-handed parenting, your teen will either comply or rebel further, both responses at the expense of healthy relationship. Instead, appeal to their better side with observation. "Wow! This isn't like you, Ben. What else is going on here?" If Ben doesn't answer the essay question, make it multiple choice. You know your teen well enough that you'll likely hit on something bugging him. Then follow with active listening to help lower his emotional fever. Yep. That is your teen. Endure the journey.

Power Dude, Doormat, or Servant?

Parents come in all types. Some of us are power dudes. My way or the highway. You get results, but our of fear, not relationship. Other parents treat their children like cut crystal. Don't set boundaries or challenge them, or they will break into tiny pieces. Such a doormat parent yields entitled children who grow up not being able to do for themselves. Servant parents seek to understand their child's needs and feelings with active listening and, with permission, helps them grow in the ways of the Lord. Servant parents encourage individuality, but with respect for others, and community, to help build healthy relationships. If you have the choice of being the power dude, doormat, or servant, choose servant.

Getting through to your Child

Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.

Heart or Head? Let it Come from your Heart

Active listening is your go-to communication tool when your child is having difficulty. You are sharing with her what you hear her feeling. That comes from your heart. If you try to fix her problem, judge or criticize her, or guilt her into behaving, you will be correcting her, but it comes from your head. Will she really learn anything, other than to do what she is told? If you share what you hear her feeling, she feels heard, valued, and perhaps able to try again. When her emotional fever subsides, ask her permission to help her. If what you share is not what she is feeling, your words still spur her on to identify what she is feeling. With active listening, you are right when you are right and your are right when you are wrong. Let your parenting come from your heart.

Win-Win Parenting

When parents choose to come from their head, they run the risk of getting all power-oriented with their child. This can lead to distance, dejection, and dismissal. Trying to figure out your child's feelings in the moment is the way to come from your heart. And, it's a win-win situation. If you say what you think she is feeling, she feels affirmed, her emotional fever goes down, and she becomes re-energized to move past her upset. If you miss the mark in what you think she is feeling, she will correct you. this gives her an opportunity to figure out what that is. With active listening, you are right when you are right and you are right when you are wrong. That's win-win parenting.

Are You Grateful? Do You Affirm?

As parents, we correct, teach, encourage our children to do things right and the right way. That comes with the job of good parenting. However, can you be grateful and affirm as well? Your child will be uniquely himself. He may do or say things differently than you. That's okay. It gives him a chance to explore his creativity and explore who he is. Would you really want a mini-me? As you interact with your child, take time to express your gratitude and affirmation of who he is becoming. It's a teachable moment and he will glow from your words.

Just Ask!

When you want something, do you just take it? Or do you ask? Most folks will ask, out of respect for the giver. You know what? Our kids deserve the same respect we would naturally give an adult. When your child has shown an emotional fever, and you have used active listening to calm her down, now's the time to offer suggestions and help. The key is to ask her permission, regardless of her age. "You know, sweetheart, you've had such a rough go of it. I have some thoughts about what's going on and how to handle it. Do you want to hear them?" Just plowing on risks your relationship with your child. They may feel judged, inadequate, not smart enough to figure it out. By asking permission to speak, you are conveying respect, and your words matter more. If she says "no," don't continue anyway. Simply let her know that you will wait until she is ready for your comments. Just ask!