Being there for your kids

Shoot for Just Right Parenting

Most parenting falls into one of three categories. Some parents are way too power-oriented. That would be authoritative. My way of the highway. Don't give me any backtalk. Do it now! This parenting breeds cowering children who just can't wait to be grown and gone. Other parents let their children get away with just about anything. That would be permissive. Okay, honey, whatever you want. Here, can I do that for you? This parenting breeds coddled, clueless children who feel entitled. That is, they can do what they want and with no consequences. This parenting breeds self-centered bullies who never want to leave home. Why would they? In parenting, shoot for just right parenting. Here, you understand your child's needs and feelings through active listening, set healthy boundaries, and encourage cooperation in the family process. Be a just right parent.

Make Your Efforts Known

It's hard to try on new things. As a rule, we are used to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy. We have to make the switch to the healthy and keep with it long enough for it to become familiar. When learning new ways to interact and to talk with your child, don't keep your efforts a secret. Let them know how you are trying to change and get their feedback. When you go from scolding and power parenting to active listening and relationship parenting, your child will notice the difference. Feedback from him helps you gauge how well trying on new things is working for you. It's all about changing old habits and making your efforts known.

Getting by? Or Making it well.

As families, we all want to make it well. Unfortunately, many families just get by.

In Scripture, Jesus calls us to "have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). I look at this encouragement as the difference between just surviving as a family, being functional, getting things done, as opposed to thriving as a family. When we thrive, we are joyful, cooperative, helpful, engaging, and we want to be together. Is that your family? There's a balance between learning independence, enjoying your alone time, and contributing to the family whole. Help your family move from surviving to thriving by being clear about rules and expectations, modelling the behavior you encourage, and establishing electronics-free times and places in your home. Instead of just getting by, you will find your family making it well.

All Systems Go

Getting and keeping organized, especially as a family, is an art form. The bigger the family, the more important that you are organized. Everybody has a job to do, responsibilities, and accountability. If you are already there, great!! If not, consider these starting points. Assess with your spouse how your family can be run more efficiently. Think about all the everyday tasks for each person's needs and feelings to be addressed. Plan for a family meeting with advanced notice. After all of the grunts and groans, use your active listening skills to hear the needs and feelings. Use a planning calendar where all upcoming events (both individual and family) are posted. Create a chore chart and post house rules. Review and revise during weekly family meetings. Your goal is to organize, delegate, and revise. With these things in place, your family can reach all systems go.

That New Bundle of Joy is Now Part of your Family

Going from a loving couple to parents of a newborn is one heck of a major life change. Because that baby is completely helpless on her own, you are who she calls on 24 hours a day. The learning curve for both of you is very steep, but the love and reward is boundless. Learn the types of cries your child lets out. Is this the I'm poopy cry? I'm hungry? I want attention? I'm hurting? or the most used form, I'm just messin' with you? Find ways to do tag team parenting, when one of you is on, the other on is off-duty. This keeps both of you fresh and engaged. When your newborn is down, so should you be. That's when you both need your rest. Use both verbal and nonverbal active listening to understand what she is feeling, what her needs are. Newborns thrive on contact comfort. This new bundle of joy is now part of your family.

As Parent, Stay On Top of Things

Parenting is a lifelong job for which few of us have training. Often, we either wing it or model the parenting we grew up with. One of the great mysteries of parenting is tracking your child's behavior to help determine whether what she's going through is a mood or a symptom. Several child development theorists have chimed in on the subject from different perspectives. Do your homework. Also, use active listening to help relieve your child's emotional fever and be available whenever she wants to unload. In particular, track whether what's going on in he life is a function of her current mood? Or could it be a symptom of a mental health issue? I suggest following "the 6-8 week rule." If what you are noticing is occurring for less than 6-8 weeks before easing, then it's probably the result of a mood. If it occurs for greater than 6-8 weeks, it might be a symptom. That's when you consider the help of a professional.

Formula for Best...Times...Ever

As a child, growing up, what are some of the best...times...ever that you remember with your family? As a parent in your own family now, what can you do to help your children have the same kind of "best ever" memories to take from their childhood? To the extent that you develop healthy relationships with your kids, make quality time with them, and nurture their kindred spirit, creativity, and effective problem-solving, you have the foundation for great times with them. Such times can be in the moment and not cost you a dime. They can also be a well-planned family vacation, where each family member has opportunity to relax, enjoy, and explore their interests. Active listening your child's needs and feelings, brainstorming possibilities, and using family meetings for specific planning will give you opportunity to let the good times roll.

Me Time? Wait, Is That Allowed?

Not only is "me time" allowed. It is essential for you to be at your best as mom and dad. In Matthew 22:36, Jesus calls us to "Love one another as you love yourself." It's hard to give your all to healthy parenting if you don't take care of yourself. This is not an either/or. It's a both/and. Consider the Pyramid Effect. First, God is above the pyramid on which you perch. As your relationship with God is healthy and loving, you have resources to love your spouse. As your marriage is loving and healthy, you have resources to love your children, and so on. Set these priorities. Also, delegate and set boundaries through family meetings, to make sure you set time and opportunity aside for yourself, to recharge your batteries for taking care of your family. "Me time" is both allowed and essential. Not selfish, but self-caring.

Choose Natural Consequence

The prize vase is broken. Could the accident have been avoided? Probably. Was the vase broken on purpose? Probably not. Does your son need to learn the lesson to be more careful? Absolutely. Now, your job as parent is to construct circumstances where that lesson will be learned and appreciated. If you choose punishment as your lesson-learning tool, your child may become more careful, but out of fear of further beatings. If you choose natural consequence as your lesson-learning tool, your child will also become more careful, but out of love and healthy relationship, understanding the cost and impact of his not being careful. Use active listening to calm his emotional fever around the accident. Then ask questions that will prompt his thinking about what he needs to do to make things right again. When in doubt, always choose natural consequence over punishment.

Bed Time Can Be The Best Time

If getting your child to bed is World War III, how's that working for you? Bedtime can be the best time with your child, depending on how you structure it. Give her some settle down time, where she can transition from the day to snuggling in bed. This is where you talk about your days, read stories, sing lullabys, and get all of the stall tactics out of the way. After settle down time, consider using what I call the "Snuggle Bunny," as a calming technique. Structuring your child's bedtime in this manner will help convert it from a battle zone to the best...time...ever, for both of you.