Being there for your kids

Connecting with Your Child, Try Active Listening

It's great when things are going well with your child and between you and her. These good times are when you can instruct, direct, check-in, and offer teachable moments. When your child is in a funk, however, use active listening to hone in on her feelings and to help her sort them out. Active listening is the way to be there for her, helping her sort through all of her feelings and helping her work on getting through her stuff. It's not about judging, criticizing, or even solving the problems for her. It's about listening, really good, for her feelings and sharing back with her what you think is going on, so she can problem solve. In such a way, you really connect with her, leading to a valued teachable moment.

Asking Your Child's Permission

Your kids have lots of things on their minds. You have wisdom for them. However, if you just drop it on them, you are likely to miss your mark. Look for entry points, where your words will have meaning. Where you see a wrinkled brow, a sigh of frustration, other signs of emotional fever, start by active listening. Now you are on the same page. When you believe he is ready to hear your wisdom, ask permission, such as, "I have some thoughts about what's going on with you. Do you want to hear them? Likely, you will get permission to share. If you don't, then follow with "Okay, then. Let me know when you'd like my help." This leaves the door open and your child receptive to your wise counsel. Asking permission always strengthens relationship.

Keep Them Safe at all Cost

Of course you want your child to grow up to be healthy and well in mind, body, and spirit. We all want that for our children. Sadly, that won't happen if tragedy strikes. As your children make their way through life's stages, keep vigilance, instruct them, be there for them. When your children know that you have their back always, they can feel confident to tackle life's challenges and reach their goals. Use active listening. Find teachable moments. Challenge them to think through their choices and decisions before making them. Help them find a nurturing network of kindred spirit where they can have healthy fun together. Keep them safe at all cost.

Letting Go is Hard to Do

And you thought helping your child stand and walk, get his homework done, making friends was the hardest part of parenting. Nope. It's simply letting go. Letting your child try and fail is a better lesson than doing it for them. The best lesson we will ever teach our children is how to handle their own problems well. When a lesson opportunity comes up, instead of jumping in with "no" or just giving her the answers, ask, "Well, how do you think you should handle this situation?" Brainstorm together, active listen her concerns, ask permission to give any ideas you might have, but let the outcome be hers, but with your supervision and built-in accountability. This is what I call the Principle of Responsible Freedom. I will give you the freedom you request, and expect you to be responsible. If at any time you are irresponsible, then I will pull back on the freedom. Even the hardest part of parenting can be a teachable moment.

Developmental Stages of Parenting

We know that children go through developmental stages, but did you know that we parents do also? Our parenting stages identify the best kind of parental response for what your child is doing in their developmental stage. It would be silly to tell our newborn to get his own bottle, huh!  So, as parents, we go through hands-on parenting, directed parenting, advice-based parenting, and consultative parenting as our child ages and matures. This match gives us the best opportunity to connect with our child and to guide them successfully through life. As our child grows and matures, we go less for him and more with him, offering teachable moments all the way.

How to Handle the Stubborn Child

Every child goes through a stubborn time or two...or three or four... Stubborn attitude is actually a good thing in moderation. It's your child's way of asserting herself, testing her wings, defining her personal identity. It's also a challenge to your authority, a stalling tactic, and can lead to relational distance. As the parent, you can use your power and ascribed authority to make her do what you say. Sadly, while you could do that, you would likely lose emotional intimacy with her. Alternatively, you can use your relationship to help her work through her stubborn streak and make it a teachable moment. After using active listening to lower her emotional fever, with permission, give her agreeable options that help her do what you want her to do. When she yields and complies, be sure to thank her for her cooperation and "big girl" decision. Yep. That's a teachable moment.

How to Handle Chores in Your Household

In a healthy family, chores are not only essential to family functioning, they provide opportunity to show responsibility, pride, cooperation, and negotiation. Children even as young as 18 months can participate by helping to put up stuffed toys. As your children get older, chores get more involved. When you get blowback about doing chores, use your active listening skills to help calm your child down. After their emotional fever has subsided, get input about how they want to complete the task. Not doing chores is not an option, but how and when they are done may be. Make chore completion a fun thing. Crank up the music. Do each of your chores at the same time. Saturday morning? The celebrate with a fun activity afterwards. Doing family chores together is both essential, relationship-building, and chock full of teachable moments.

Building Character by Saying No

No parent likes saying no to their child, but it comes with the job. Effective, healthy parenting includes strategically saying no to your child. If you always said yes, your child would end up with a sense of entitlement. That is, believing that she can have and do what ever she wants, and with no consequences. Wow! That would be a disaster waiting to happen. So, stick to your guns. Set healthy boundaries, When you get blow-back, active listen your child's feelings. When she settles down, explain your rationale if you want to. Then help her implement your decision and take responsibility for her part. In this fashion, your saying no to her is part of her building healthy, responsible character and a very teachable moment.

What, Me Worry?

Worrying is common problem for all of us. It's helpful in considering all the possibilities, but it's not helpful when it gets us stuck in a downward spiral. For both parents and teens, getting unstuck from worry involves turning your "what if" thoughts into "i wonder" images. What if keeps you still, while I wonder gets you moving. For extra motivation, add a reasonable, possible, positive outcome to your efforts. So, what if I fail the test tomorrow, becomes, I wonder how well I will do on the test tomorrow. This generated curiosity creates energy toward achieving that curious positive outcome. As the parent, after helping settle your child's feelings with active listening, ask for permission to share your thoughts and then, with permission, help him turn what if's into I wonders and make a plan for getting the outcome he hopes for. With your help, his worry can become a teachable moment.

How Much Space to Give Your Teen

Launching our teens into adulthood is a major accomplishment for all parents. As they try to sort out who they want to be as an adult, forming their own individual identity, sometimes that results in way too much alone time in their rooms. While we want to acknowledge their need for their privacy, that need is not at the expense of being a part of the family. Use your active listening to help him sort feelings out. Get permission to offer thoughts and perspective. If your asking questions seems to fall on deaf ears, stop offering essay questions and use the multiple choice variety. You know your teen well enough to come up with some options that will resonate. How much space to give your teen? Just enough for privacy and thinking through things, but not so much that he uses his privacy to escape family and responsibilities.