Being there for your kids

Dealing with Bullying

     You know, as parents, we all want the best for our children. We all want to protect them from harm. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, bad stuff happens to our precious little ones. Unless you have a protective bubble you can keep your child in, they have to learn to deal with bad stuff. Bullying is the worst. Whether it is physical, emotional, or cyber, bullying can leave a lasting mark. What to do? First and foremost, be there for your child. With younger children, be their advocate with the adults who have authority over the bully, With older children, support their coping mechanisms and strategies for taking care of the crisis themselves. Make sure that they know you have their back if need be. Use your active listening, coordinate problem-solving, help them feel empowered in avoiding/handling the situation. Note, physical confrontations of the bully might feel best, especially if you child prevails, but comes with consequences and fears of their becoming the bully to others themselves. As your child's advocate in bullying situations, you are empowering them and providing a very teachable moment.

Yes, Ya Hafta!

Who's the boss in your home? Of course, you are, right? It's not who's the boss that is in question. It's how you boss that tells the tale. If you are authoritative, then it's "My way or the highway." It's power-oriented. Things get done, but at what expense to the family and to your child? If you are permissive, then it's "Yes, dear. Whatever you want." It's still power-oriented, but your child has the power. Things may or may not get done to your liking. If it's authoritarian, then you confront, active listen, encourage, give rationale, set boundaries, and monitor progress. This sounds like a lot, but raising your child is your first 24/7/365 job, and you want to get it right. Authoritarian parenting happens when you are still the boss, but you parent according to the needs and feelings of all involved. It's not power-oriented, but rather relationship-oriented. And still, "Yes. Ya hafta."

Got Enough Glue?

      All of us get out of sorts sometimes, teens in particular. You know, the go away, get out of my life, leave me alone mood?  Been there, done that. When you are confronted with that mood in your house, try not to slam him for being disrespectful. Rather, draw on your capacity for emotional intimacy, share something personal, relevant, and meaningful with him, and use your active listening when he is ready to talk about his dark mood. He will be shocked at just how much you do understand what he's going through, how much you get him. This well of emotional intimacy is the glue of all healthy relationships.

Life-Enhancing Physical Touch

     It's true. Babies in particular, but also children, teens, and grown-ups all cherish soft, gentle, loving physical touch. Touch is our nonverbal way of affirming the relationship we have with our children. I call it snuggle time. Especially in transition with babies up to pre-schoolers, such as around bedtime, snuggle time eases the transition and calms your child so they can gently fall asleep. Snuggle time is a universal bonding experience. Celebrate your child's victories and console him in his losses. It's what family does where others may not. Snuggle time is a teachable moment where your message to your child is a version of, You can do this. You got this. I've got your back. Yaay, snuggle time.

Good Parent/Bad Parent, Which Are You?

      As parents, we usually don't admit it, but, we all have favorite children. You know, the one you seem to get, to mesh with best, who gives you the least amount of hard time. Nonetheless, in raising siblings, as parents you want to evenly and equally be both good parent and bad parent when it comes to discipline. When the job of discipline falls on one of you, the other has to back up and support your spouse's disciplinary measures. Where this doesn't happen, the family is open to manipulation and dysfunctionality. On the flip side, each of you wants to have positive, fun, engaging time with each of your kids individually. In doing so, you are modelling for your kids that both discipline and fun come with the job of parenting. This helps build character in them.

Me Time Helps Teens Grow

        Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends."  Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer group, predominantly at school and recreational/sporting events. The remaining 5% of our children's personality is original and develops between ages 15 and 25. They put the finishing touches on who they are becoming as an adult. Constructive me time helps them do that. If your teen is a good student, responsible, accountable, helpful, and engaging, then his me time is well earned and part of his growing process. If these qualities are not in place, and he uses me time to shut out the world, or to enter the mindless activity of gaming, texting, and finding trouble, then confront, active listen, coordinate, and help him out of his hole. Productive me time can help teens find the finishing touches of themselves, and you can be available as a sounding board to advise and consult.

Computer Time: Family Friend or Enemy?

We all live in a cybernetic age. Computers, algorythms, gaming, texting, all just a few quick clicks away. Wow! What a temptation for our children...and for us. Woulddn't it be nice to have some research to back up your concerns. And, let's throw in some practical time management rules, so that our computers work for us, not the other way around. Well, here they are.

Is Your Child Just Too Worrisome?

Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question into an "I wonder" statement, and add a positive outcome to his curiosity. Rather than being locked up in worry, you can help him establish a goal toward which he can take steps to accomplish. For example, "What if I fail my spelling test tomorrow?" becomes, "I wonder how well I will do on my spelling test tomorrow?" The what if locks him up in unproductive worry, while the I wonder motivates him to study harder to do better on the spelling test.  Help him practice switching from what if to I wonder with several situations until the change comes second nature to him.

Setting boundaries and making good choices

     It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can practice making good choices for themselves.

     When your child is on your last nerve, sit him down for some productive problem-solving. Start with "This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a blank stare or a one-word answer, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know enough about your child's life to come up with several options of what could be stressing him. Use active listening to help lower his emotional fever. When you see him settled, ask permission to help out. That's when productive problem-solving can happen. The result is setting helpful boundaries within which your child can make good choices, and you will no longer have to live so close to your last nerve.

Changing Habits from Bad to Good

All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The trick is moving from unhealthy to healthy and staying there long enough for it to become familiar to us. This is a journey that you can take with your child, to help him the person you (and God) want him to be.