Being there for your kids

Got Enough Glue?

      All of us get out of sorts sometimes, teens in particular. You know, the go away, get out of my life, leave me alone mood?  Been there, done that. When you are confronted with that mood in your house, try not to slam him for being disrespectful. Rather, draw on your capacity for emotional intimacy, share something personal, relevant, and meaningful with him, and use your active listening when he is ready to talk about his dark mood. He will be shocked at just how much you do understand what he's going through, how much you get him. This well of emotional intimacy is the glue of all healthy relationships.

Life-Enhancing Physical Touch

     It's true. Babies in particular, but also children, teens, and grown-ups all cherish soft, gentle, loving physical touch. Touch is our nonverbal way of affirming the relationship we have with our children. I call it snuggle time. Especially in transition with babies up to pre-schoolers, such as around bedtime, snuggle time eases the transition and calms your child so they can gently fall asleep. Snuggle time is a universal bonding experience. Celebrate your child's victories and console him in his losses. It's what family does where others may not. Snuggle time is a teachable moment where your message to your child is a version of, You can do this. You got this. I've got your back. Yaay, snuggle time.

Good Parent/Bad Parent, Which Are You?

      As parents, we usually don't admit it, but, we all have favorite children. You know, the one you seem to get, to mesh with best, who gives you the least amount of hard time. Nonetheless, in raising siblings, as parents you want to evenly and equally be both good parent and bad parent when it comes to discipline. When the job of discipline falls on one of you, the other has to back up and support your spouse's disciplinary measures. Where this doesn't happen, the family is open to manipulation and dysfunctionality. On the flip side, each of you wants to have positive, fun, engaging time with each of your kids individually. In doing so, you are modelling for your kids that both discipline and fun come with the job of parenting. This helps build character in them.

Me Time Helps Teens Grow

        Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends."  Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer group, predominantly at school and recreational/sporting events. The remaining 5% of our children's personality is original and develops between ages 15 and 25. They put the finishing touches on who they are becoming as an adult. Constructive me time helps them do that. If your teen is a good student, responsible, accountable, helpful, and engaging, then his me time is well earned and part of his growing process. If these qualities are not in place, and he uses me time to shut out the world, or to enter the mindless activity of gaming, texting, and finding trouble, then confront, active listen, coordinate, and help him out of his hole. Productive me time can help teens find the finishing touches of themselves, and you can be available as a sounding board to advise and consult.

Computer Time: Family Friend or Enemy?

We all live in a cybernetic age. Computers, algorythms, gaming, texting, all just a few quick clicks away. Wow! What a temptation for our children...and for us. Woulddn't it be nice to have some research to back up your concerns. And, let's throw in some practical time management rules, so that our computers work for us, not the other way around. Well, here they are.

Is Your Child Just Too Worrisome?

Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question into an "I wonder" statement, and add a positive outcome to his curiosity. Rather than being locked up in worry, you can help him establish a goal toward which he can take steps to accomplish. For example, "What if I fail my spelling test tomorrow?" becomes, "I wonder how well I will do on my spelling test tomorrow?" The what if locks him up in unproductive worry, while the I wonder motivates him to study harder to do better on the spelling test.  Help him practice switching from what if to I wonder with several situations until the change comes second nature to him.

Setting boundaries and making good choices

     It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can practice making good choices for themselves.

     When your child is on your last nerve, sit him down for some productive problem-solving. Start with "This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a blank stare or a one-word answer, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know enough about your child's life to come up with several options of what could be stressing him. Use active listening to help lower his emotional fever. When you see him settled, ask permission to help out. That's when productive problem-solving can happen. The result is setting helpful boundaries within which your child can make good choices, and you will no longer have to live so close to your last nerve.

Changing Habits from Bad to Good

All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The trick is moving from unhealthy to healthy and staying there long enough for it to become familiar to us. This is a journey that you can take with your child, to help him the person you (and God) want him to be.

New Skill? Practice, practice, practice

When our natural tendencies as parents are to yell, lecture, and pull a power play, it can be hard to spot an emotional fever, and harder still to use active listening as your go-to parenting tool in that situation. As awkward and uncomfortable you are when you first try to active listen your child, keep at it. Even better, own up to your efforts to change your approach to parenting and ask for feedback from her. She will get a kick out of helping you out. Shoe on the other foot kind of thing. Practice, practice, practice, and you'll get the hang of this active listening. Trading in power plays for greater emotional intimacy is well worth it. We all have teachable moments, don't we?

Teachable Moments of All Kinds

When all is well and your child is curious, you have a natural teachable moment, where you can impart your wisdom. When your child has a problem, after you calm him down with active listening, you can ask permission to help him solve it and morph that exchange into another teachable moment. When you have a problem with your child, you can start to settle him down by asking, "This isn't like you, son. What else is going on?" Kids usually don't answer essay questions very well. When he is puzzled or silent in response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know him well enough to hit on some things that may be weighing him down. Now you've gone from conflict to teachable moment. His consequences for the conflict will have more positive effect if they come within the context of a teachable moment.