Being there for your kids

Me Time Helps Teens Grow

        Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends."  Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer group, predominantly at school and recreational/sporting events. The remaining 5% of our children's personality is original and develops between ages 15 and 25. They put the finishing touches on who they are becoming as an adult. Constructive me time helps them do that. If your teen is a good student, responsible, accountable, helpful, and engaging, then his me time is well earned and part of his growing process. If these qualities are not in place, and he uses me time to shut out the world, or to enter the mindless activity of gaming, texting, and finding trouble, then confront, active listen, coordinate, and help him out of his hole. Productive me time can help teens find the finishing touches of themselves, and you can be available as a sounding board to advise and consult.

Computer Time: Family Friend or Enemy?

We all live in a cybernetic age. Computers, algorythms, gaming, texting, all just a few quick clicks away. Wow! What a temptation for our children...and for us. Woulddn't it be nice to have some research to back up your concerns. And, let's throw in some practical time management rules, so that our computers work for us, not the other way around. Well, here they are.

Is Your Child Just Too Worrisome?

Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question into an "I wonder" statement, and add a positive outcome to his curiosity. Rather than being locked up in worry, you can help him establish a goal toward which he can take steps to accomplish. For example, "What if I fail my spelling test tomorrow?" becomes, "I wonder how well I will do on my spelling test tomorrow?" The what if locks him up in unproductive worry, while the I wonder motivates him to study harder to do better on the spelling test.  Help him practice switching from what if to I wonder with several situations until the change comes second nature to him.

Setting boundaries and making good choices

     It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can practice making good choices for themselves.

     When your child is on your last nerve, sit him down for some productive problem-solving. Start with "This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a blank stare or a one-word answer, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know enough about your child's life to come up with several options of what could be stressing him. Use active listening to help lower his emotional fever. When you see him settled, ask permission to help out. That's when productive problem-solving can happen. The result is setting helpful boundaries within which your child can make good choices, and you will no longer have to live so close to your last nerve.

Changing Habits from Bad to Good

All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The trick is moving from unhealthy to healthy and staying there long enough for it to become familiar to us. This is a journey that you can take with your child, to help him the person you (and God) want him to be.

New Skill? Practice, practice, practice

When our natural tendencies as parents are to yell, lecture, and pull a power play, it can be hard to spot an emotional fever, and harder still to use active listening as your go-to parenting tool in that situation. As awkward and uncomfortable you are when you first try to active listen your child, keep at it. Even better, own up to your efforts to change your approach to parenting and ask for feedback from her. She will get a kick out of helping you out. Shoe on the other foot kind of thing. Practice, practice, practice, and you'll get the hang of this active listening. Trading in power plays for greater emotional intimacy is well worth it. We all have teachable moments, don't we?

Teachable Moments of All Kinds

When all is well and your child is curious, you have a natural teachable moment, where you can impart your wisdom. When your child has a problem, after you calm him down with active listening, you can ask permission to help him solve it and morph that exchange into another teachable moment. When you have a problem with your child, you can start to settle him down by asking, "This isn't like you, son. What else is going on?" Kids usually don't answer essay questions very well. When he is puzzled or silent in response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know him well enough to hit on some things that may be weighing him down. Now you've gone from conflict to teachable moment. His consequences for the conflict will have more positive effect if they come within the context of a teachable moment.

Helping Your Child with Weight Management

Our children are constantly growing, getting bigger, developing their adult bodies. That growth will not stop until age 18-25 years. If your child is a bit pudgy, she will likely grow into her adult weight without extra effort. We all tend to grow out before we grow up. However, if her weight is a concern for her, or if it limits her fun activities or self-image, then you may want to help her address her concerns.  First, active listen her feelings. Help her fully understand how she feels about her current weight. Then, with permission, give her the stats on her current weight. If she does not have a medical condition, called obesity, then her being a little pudgy can be addressed with nutrition, weight management, and behavioral strategies. Let her take the lead on if/how she wants to address her concerns, but have her back in terms of cheerleading, food prep, and exercise. If you could stand to lose a pound or two as well, then join her in her adventure. Joint goals are always a shared experience that can lead to greater emotional bonding and teachable moments.

What's Behind Your Child's Anger?

Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.

Can you choose your child's friends?

         We all want our children to have friends. They are the source of fun, fellowship, and play. But can we choose our child's friends? The answer is yes, but at cost to your relationship with your child. Do you want to risk that? Rather than simply say no, use your active listening and wise counsel to help you child make good choices. Also, with younger children, their friends are usually the children of our friends. Further, putting them in places where you have confidence of good friendships, and where there is adult supervision, such as play groups, sports, and club activities, gives you influence without making the choice for him. Choosing your child's friends is a slippery slope, and your healthy parenting skills can keep you off that hill.