Being there for your kids

Dare to be Different in Active Listening

When our kids are hurting, you want to active listen their feelings. However, if you start every response with, "You feel..." soon your child will tune out, even if you are helping. So, dare to be different in active listening. Mix it up. Stay current with what you think he is feeling. Keep eye contact and throw in a few encouraging comments like, "Wow", "I think I see," and "Tell me more." Variety will help your child stay connected with you in his pain, letting him know that you really want to understand and to help him address his pain.

Kids Will Always Test the Limits

For kids, testing the limits is a developmental imperative. Why? They do so to help define their boundaries. Without limits, kids would be perpetually anxious and fearful. Boundaries and limit-setting by us parents give them the calm and security to function in the world. If your boundaries are fluid, she will try to take advantage of that. Fluid boundaries can lead to a sense of entitlement, where she believes she can do what she wants, whenever, with no consequence. Boundaries set responsible expectations on your child's behavior and helps them navigate the world better. When your child tests your limits, firmly set them with reward and consequence, finding yet another teachable moment

What You Say to Your Child Matters!

Our kids are always paying attention to us, even when they seem not to be. When they have issues, you want to pay better attention. Empathy is a passive, "I understand what you are feeling" kind of message that my not get through. Active listening is more precise. "Wow! You sound like you feel awful right now." Active listening is your go-to response whenever you child is upset. Be there for her. Don't problem solve, don't criticize, don't minimize what she is feeling. She is hurting, and your active listening is the balm that soothes the pain she is feeling and helps her work through it.

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

You can visually see what a healthy relationship looks like by imagining a transparent, Plexiglas pyramid. The pyramid shows levels of your relationships, starting with your relationship with God, above the apex of your pyramid. Extending downward are levels with your spouse, children, extended family, coworkers and acquaintances, and strangers. The quality of each relationship is related to how well the relationship above it fares. As you are able to best take care of your own needs and feelings, you put yourself in the position to bless others with agape, or unconditional, love. That's the stuff of which teachable moments are made.

Kids Do Act Out, or Act In

Sometimes, hopefully not often, our kids behavior is out of control. In these times, they either act out, or they act in. Actor outers are impulsive, angry, feel misunderstood, and believe they are entitled. Actor inners are withdrawn, isolated, and feel bitter and unwanted. Both are in an awful place. As parents, we love our children whatever emotional place they are in, and we help them get to a better place. Active listening, collaborating, and problem-solving help them get there. Confronting and consequences help our acting outers feel less entitled. Encouraging social engagement, fun activities, and outlets help our acting inners feel less isolated. Being there for your kids is always where you want to be.

Does your child steal?

Stealing is a universal child behavior. The question is size, damage, and whether he gets caught or not. Developmentally, stealing behavior falls under the category of testing limits. What to do? Stop the behavior. Confront, try to talk to your child to help him understand his needs and feelings through active listening, and give consequences. When stealing goes unaddressed, it leads to impulsivity, acting out, and a sense of entitlement, where he believes he can do anything he wants and without consequences. While any stealing is not okay, it can become a very valuable teachable moment

When Trouble Comes Knocking

Nobody likes trouble. It's not like we invite it into our lives. But, guess what? It comes knocking for all of us. So, when trouble come knocking at your door, or when your kids are in trouble, consider a response that includes total honesty and good timing. When people lie, they only double their trouble. When people delay their response, it creates uncertainty and concerns about minimizing or manipulating. Much better to confront trouble at the door, when it comes knocking, rather than waiting for trouble to come in and set up shop in your soul.

Is Your Child Having a Problem?

       Sometimes our kids come to us and tell us they are having a problem. Most time? Probably not. So, when you sense that something's going on, but your child is not forthcoming, how can you tell? First, notice any differences from the normal that your child is demonstrating in terms of mood, attitude, behavior. Second, make your observations in a non-threatening way and ask about what you see. If she doesn't want to talk about it, give her space and let the next move be hers. Prying it out of her almost never works. When she's ready, use your active listening to help ease her feelings and encourage her problem-solving with your assurances that you've got her back. This is the way to really be there for her.

Don't Worry. Be Happy

What do you worry about? Job? School? Family? Health? Sooo much to worry about. Did you know that 80% of your worry is for nothing? This is called destructive worry. It's worrying about things over which you have no control. The weather, your boss's mood, the stock market. All you can do with these things is give up your worry. Go with the flow. On the other hand, 20% of your worry is for something. This is called constructive worry. This is worry about things over which you do have control. How well your presentation goes tomorrow. (prepare) What to give your bride for your anniversary (ask). Worries generally start with the question, "What if...?" How about replacing this worry with curiosity, "I wonder..." Then follow that wonder with a presupposional phrase, "I wonder how well I will do during my presentation tomorrow."  So, don't worry. Be happy.

Are You a Benevolent Despot?

What's a benevolent despot? The two words seem to not go together. Despots are usually dictators, ruthless bad guys. When you are benevolent, you help others. You are kind and giving. How can a parent be both benevolent and despotic? Think of a king during the feudal Middle Ages. He had a castle with a big wall and moat around it. The villagers lived outside the walls of the castle. However, they were protected by the king. He showed them kindness and compassion, understood their needs and feelings. Because he was benevolent, the villagers shared their bounty with him, worked for him. As in a family, the benevolent despot parent is the final authority and has the final say. However, you take into consideration your children's needs and feelings when exerting your authority. Such families thrive and teachable moments abound.